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hi..... not good at new......

learning asl....always hard hearing since birth born early . hearing aids until last few years they said won't help now don't bother paying cost for them. now going blind so sign will be my way of communicating . I'm frustrated angry well just so much. I wa told I be totally deaf before 20 so was good I gone double this but I did not expect to go blind. I did not realize I was reading lips and things I said normal to me I was told is not. like turn around so I can hear you. my audiologist said my brain adapted to me losing hearing more and more. I found out last few years ago I had elhers Danlos syndrome and this may be why. . it's a connective tissue disorder. music has been a big part of my life and it feels,a big loss but I must say feeling music is a high. I can still pick up some instruments and very high pitch sounds.  I started liking opera now I understand because it's what I could hear but now even that is not so but alarms,and sirens I can some instruments but tgey said it maybe I'm feeling more than I'm hearing it but used to what I say. I started sign choir at church when I found I was losing my eyes a person at church said why don't you join sign choir. I had no idea they had it. I was in hospice when it started and just got out

very scared  I would loose music that therapy and healing to me. so he said maybe help me learn better. so I did. at that time almost all could hear fine only like two hard of hearing in group. it's a struggle . as I was losing mote hearing I find myself crying watching sign overwhelm by those who have alot of expression. those without expression seem dead to me . and I am drawn to expression but I cry like a baby it's very emotional time for me and not understanding it all myself.  struggling to sign coordination and my hands I feel like a baby. very frustrating other puck it up fast and the teacher has to get my hands right but everyone else can do it fine. they can hear but not understanding why my hands struggle this. I get horrible headaches watching now. I can o my go short times in conversation . me speaking I'm good but wa t hung others or watching others sign is horrible headaches and now seizures or the overload in STOP ENOUGH!!. I wish I wa bien with all this . I feel being born totally deaf would be better than hearing some to then loose it

same with going blind.

I'm terrified and scarred angry emotional and seems everywhere I go no one signs. to all those who have been deaf or hard of hearing sorry for a world who doesn't understand and even for my own part in not understanding the needs. as I look now even at Braille on a wall or sign I question how do they find Braille I never see a blind person feeling walls to see what doctors office they are at or in a hospital or anyplace I see Braille. it looked friendly until I was told I'm going blind as I started thinking more. it's a look . I had a tag saying look at me I read lips.  I got offered Braille menus and people changing there faces only at me the robot talk in DO.......YOU.......WANT......A.......BRAILLE......MENUUUUUUU.........

They didn't know I going blind. 

I had some hearing so I speak but with health challenges and siezures,and strokes I have changes. can't hear what I say or that I talk to loud or soft. I am told stop yelling at me when I did not no yelling at them. now told I also stutter since a bad 2 hour siezure. and just frustrated. been trying 3 years to learn but around no one who signs . I'm still at finger spell some signs but most I sign to or finger spell ate hearing people who sign. no one deaf. I still cheat as my director said reading lips.  not sure why I'm struggling to learn more than others and reading sign even finger spell very slow I struggle to read but I can finger spell faster than I can read. I know my letters  to sign myself but reading someone I feel like a newborn blind. takes me long time to figure letters I now doing it myself. I just got try beyond frustrating I'm at throw it out  window. if I get better signing I feel ok pray it's better but I'm at can I text everything in life please. I cried getting it just at being able to call for help. I was overwhelmed I wanted to be alone not two people watching me cry and not explain in words when you can't get help to now get help was alot. then get use to they can hear me fine. I still forget this . when my nurse left my room as we test the phone in my bedroom I was like how can she do that she not in my room but can hear me like some magic trick. ok now I get it she can hear me without being in same roombuy it took me some time to understand this. same thing with call me. I'm use to text or email I'm not even sure how to call on my cell as I only use text. it's all new this calling part but I will say blahhhhhh nobody understands this but d/hi. my teacher showed Audism unveiled.  overload in emotions truly in a room of mostly full hearing people learning for others or a job or just because. I cried anger hit like so many feelings hot me it was so much parts of my life being hit with a ruler or yard stick in school stop using my hands SPEAK!! ASL was not in school system and they refused to add it no funding. being told I go deaf early i was trying. scarred but I go to bed fingerspelling hi my name is .......doing my full name and what is your name

please 

thank you

where is the bathroom.

lol ok basics down. 

now if your hard hearing and English class I feel my teacher wouldcsmack me for saying my name  without using is.

I been in hospital alot so hard to get in regular class. more home bound so going out is hard to meet others. I'm horrible still at sign and get bad headaches watching or focus to long and hard going into seizures now in stress of watching trying to understand/read. and in a world so unfriendly to this and yes I was also part of this you just don't understand until it's you. any advice from others at how to cope. how to deal with life. Reilly terrified even more to go blind when I see how much unfriendly this is as D/hh.  that I feel hopeless going blind. they told me it will just happen u won't loose it slowly at any time I will just loose all sight that also takes how I hear. blahhh.  ok tears just texting this.......not sure what to ask so much in questions and a try down that's again stopping communication and providers dropping me I call and it's hang ups or machines that when text says BEEP it's past area to give info . medical answers phone but hang up before I get hello in text. . I'm not on video relay as I still lost in asl 

 

the new-bee and feeling lost flying in a world I do not fit in

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